I’m depressed.
I cannot even
believe that I am putting this out there. It seems to me that depression has this
negative stigma attached to it and it’s not something that comes up in daily
conversation. Admitting that I am depressed actually makes me feel like less of
a person, less worthy somehow, less valued, less of me.
If you’ve never
suffered from depression it can be difficult to understand. It’s like feeling
numb to life and everything around you, and essentially going through the
motions of daily life with no sight of light at the end of the tunnel. It feels
like an extreme sensitivity that is challenging to turn off or even tone down.
It sucks and it hurts deep down inside at the very core of your soul. I find
myself continually asking, “How can I make
this sad and lonely feeling go away?” I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t
want to wake up. I don’t want to do even the usual mundane things that are
needed to get by each and every day. Everything feels as if it takes more
effort and I feel doubtful that I even have it in me to push forward.
What really sucks
is that even though I have suffered through this before, and most likely will
again, I don’t recognize that it’s happening to me until I am in the thick of
it. I’m here now and I think I’ve been feeling this way since before the
holiday season. In looking back over my previous blog posts, it is so apparent
to me that I am and have been depressed for much of my life. That sucks! That’s
hard to face, and I am sad to say that I don’t really know how and what to do
about it. It’s like a quiet desperation inside my head that tells me I am
destined to live a sad and lonely life. I have seriously been feeling lonely
within my own household. Sure Alex and Glenn are here, but Alex never says more
than two words to me at a time, and even then it’s not until he wants or needs
something. And Glenn, though he means well and would never purposely avoid or distance
himself from me has been so busy either doing his own thing or being tired from
life, that we have barely connected lately. It really is a bummer to feel alone
in your own home where there are people around.
I wish that I were
somebody’s priority. I wish that I mattered more. I wish that I felt better and
that this desperate feeling would go away and never come back.
I can remember
years ago feeling like this and reaching out to my parents for advice, love or
reassurance. Instead I was met with “Everyone feels down sometimes, You are
being dramatic, You are overreacting, You are being ridiculous, Snap out of
it”, and my favorite, “You do this to
yourself.” I am certain that this contributes to why I doubt and question
myself.
I used to see a
counselor for many years. She helped me work through lots of issues in my life.
But in the end it stopped feeling helpful and more of an obligation, an
expensive obligation. So I stopped seeing her about two years ago.
I also used to
take medication, but felt that it just numbed me even more. I actually tried
several different medications over the years…all with the same numbing effects,
along with some unpleasant side effects. They were difficult to wean off of and
I’m not really sure that they helped. I am certain though that I do not want to
subject myself to antidepressants ever again.
That said I am not
one to really give up or give in so I have been trying my best to crawl out of
this current dark place. I am mindful of getting enough sleep. I try my best to
eat healthy. I go to Weight Watchers every week. I walk and ride my bike
(though not as regularly as I would like, now that it’s wintertime). I try to
stay within my routine. I’m reading a
book called The Depression Cure. I’m trying
to reach out to friends and be more social. I have shared with Glenn. I even
got one of those light therapy boxes and now I’m writing this blog putting it
out to the entire world. I know it will eventually pass, it has before, but for
right now I am down.
Along with all of
those positive lifestyle checklist items, I am about to close down and let go
of my Facebook page. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time now and I
think I am fairly close to doing so. I can’t say why making that decision has
been so tough for me. It may be because there is a time line of pictures of my
life over the past 10 years, or if it is because it really is a window into the
world of friendships that I am always longing for. I’m not sure exactly what it
is but I feel that my inner voice is telling me to let it go. I see these awful
heartbreaking stories of animal abuse and neglect that really cause me to break
down and cry and I just cannot take seeing those crushing stories any longer. And, it is not that I am burying my head in
the sand. I know that these things exist and happen daily. I just choose not to
subject myself to the daily exposure any longer.
Again, I cannot
believe I am putting it out there quite like this, but I have no one to talk to
and I like to write. I find writing to be very therapeutic, a way of sorting
out your thoughts. It gives you the opportunity to get out there what is on
your mind and then (hopefully) let it go.
Don’t worry. I am
going to pull through and be the best me again. I just need to push through it.
Hopefully I am on the uphill side of things.
No matter what
though, I have decided to take up blogging again. It really does give me the
outlet for expression that I need.
Until next time,
Be well and shine
on!
