At least I have Glenn to believe in me even when I lose belief in myself.
Who knew?
I am having a life crisis and feel immobilized.
I have worked incredibly hard to get into this "exclusive" internship program that was to allow me the assistance and support of the school administration in obtaining a job and promising future. However, I feel as if I have been thrown one curve ball after another. First, the woman in charge of the program (the one with the passion) passed away the day before the summer session began. Her assistant happened to be on maternity leave, which meant that there was no direct person to contact. Then we (our cohort) were to fill out preference information for summer student teaching positions. I am not really sure as to whether anyone got a preferred selection, as I certainly did not. We all found out where we were placed just days prior to starting. The summer student teaching seminar class, that was only six weeks long, was led by THREE separate instructors. Apparently, no one could or would commit to a six week class that only met once a week. Am I three for three so far?
We all worked incredibly hard, squeezing in a semesters worth of work into a six week session. Twice a week even working fourteen hour days, all in the hopes of obtaining a fall placement position. It seemed the hard work was worth it, at the time.
The real bummer came at the last fifteen minutes of our very last class though. It went something like this, "Unfortunately, all of you will not be able to find jobs and you will need to commit to another route of obtaining a credential. Here are six different outlines of consideration. You have until next week to make a decision."
WOW!! Big time suck.
What happened to, if you are unable to secure your own position, we will help you?
I am heartbroken as I really busted my ass to meet all of the criteria in order to secure a spot in my "exclusive" program. It seems that if something appears too good to be true, it most likely is... Stupid, gullible, me.
I suppose the only thing I have going for me at this point is the fact that I do have an established relationship with a school district of choice. I have been in contact with them regularly and kept abreast of all the changes. I did go on one interview so far, but they chose another candidate.
I am still saddened by this entire situation. This was supposed to be life changing for me, something I have been looking forward to for months, years even! To be the first person in my family to obtain a degree somehow doesn't seem so special anymore. I am beginning to doubt myself and wonder if I am even destined to pursue what I thought was my life dream.
I feel broken.
My program has let me down.
At this point, I can only be saved and remain in the program if I am to find my own position, and it seems that teaching positions are hard to come by now with our economic crisis. I really do not know what to do. Maybe I should just find any old job to make ends meet. Maybe I was never meant to do this in the first place.
I have gone from feeling really great about myself for getting into the program to feeling like a loser.
I really need something good to happen.
Maybe John Mayer will move in next door and I could forget about all this shit.
Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair
Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair
And now I'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Oh I'm never really ready, I'm never really ready
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
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