Let’s just start with the facts.
I am a worrier.
I worry about big things, I worry about small things, but in general I worry about all things. I know this is not healthy, and of course, I worry about that too. It is just my nature. I think I know why I am this way, though I am not exactly sure how to “fix”it. I had to take on the role of caretaker for my younger brother when I was ten years old. My parents divorced and I essentially had to grow up quickly. I suppose taking on that grown up role at such young age increased my fear and worry. I worried that someone would find out the truth, I worried if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and mostly I worried whether we would grow up healthy and be OK.
I can confidently say that I have grown up healthy and OK, but I have brought this worry with me into my adult life. When my children were babies, I worried about sudden infant death syndrome and constantly checked on them. Now that they are bigger, I worry about things that I have no control over. For instance, my youngest is a new driver, so of course I worry about all the “other” people out on the road. I know that some of this worry is completely natural, but I have an over active mind. If I am left with nothing to do but think, I will over think any and every situation. As long as I keep busy, all is good.
I’ve worked on this issue with a professional for years and I am definitely better, but since it is my nature, it continues to come up. As long as I consider it a passing thought and do not dwell on a subject for too long, it goes away and I can move on. I’ve been learning tools and skills to better handle non productive thinking and I feel confident that it is working and I am getting better at it.
This leads me to my current worry; optifast. I have had plenty of time to dwell on this topic as the start day has been quickly approaching. Today is the day I will go to the hospital, attend my cohort meeting and pick up my overpriced liquid nutrition for the coming week. My worry is this: Is the liquid nutrition balanced enough to ensure safety? If I am to lose weight quickly, how can I be assured that I will be losing fat and not muscle? My heart is a muscle, how can I be sure that my heart is protected and safe? Is the three week monitoring intervals frequent enough to prevent and ensure the best possible care?
It is pure craziness, right?
These are the thoughts that pass through my mind and there are many more. What I sometimes do to combat this negative thinking is that I rationalize the situation. For instance, I tell myself that losing the weight in a short time is better for my heart than carrying around 75 extra pounds. I then tell myself that there are so many successful weight loss stories from others using the product, that it has a positive proven track record. Since it was recommended to me by my trusted doctor, it must be a good program. Also, since it is medically monitored, I tell myself that I am safe.
Don’t get me wrong. I am completely committed to my health and to this program. I am excited about participating in the MWM program and losing the weight. I love the fact that this is an 18 month program that not only focuses on weight loss but also behavior management and nutrition education. It seems sound and foolproof.
The timing could not be more perfect for me either. I have finished school and have no deadlines or papers to complete. I am not committed to anymore student teaching. I am not working. My time is my own, and what better time to work on me. My only real commitments during the day are to my trainer, and this is all part of the “me” package.
I never do anything half heartedly. If I commit, I am all in 100%, no excuses. I don’t ever make excuses as I can’t stand to hear them from others. I am doing this! I just need to calm my mind and remove the worry. I can do this. I will do this. I am safe. I am in good hands.
My biggest support:)
Until next time-
Live, love and laugh-
~Lisa
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